Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. This week, I'm in my kitchen in London with Mr. Lloyd Langford.

This is Rhod Gilbert, live on BBC Radio Wales. My co-host today, we haven't seen him or heard his little voice for quite some time, ladies and gentlemen. __ Little Lloyd Langford is here. / Hello. / There he is, ladies and gentlemen, with his hall mark hello. ... Uh, how are you feeling, Lloyd? / Good, yeah. / you / up / I told you this morning / big one / today. / OK. / I just feel it. I can feel a big one coming on. / Um, is it gonna be any different from __ normal show? / Yeah. Bigger. / OK. / It's bigger. Eleven to twelve this morning, Rhod's Coffee Morning. / Uh, so, it's still at the same time. / Yeah, but it's just ... it's gonna __ big feel about it, isn't there? / how / Are you feeling it? / fat p h / Ah, yeah / it's gonna be a big, fat show today, ladies and gentlemen, uh, Lloyd, o__ p__ / it's gotta ... it's gonna be / It is already feeling morbidly obese, if I'm honest. / I haven't seen you for a long time. / I say, two months, maybe. / Is it? That's it? Two months? / I think so. / yeah / nearly / I haven't seen you for two months? So, listeners haven't heard you nearly for two months, either. / Nope. / Well, let's catch up on it / what have you been doing? Tell our listeners / I went on holiday for a month. / two months? / No. For a month / holiday / that's what a lot of people have in a year. / Well, I saved up for it. It was, like, a big thing. / Go on. / I went to Tokyo, New Zealand, / It's in Japan. Everyone knows that. / No. / Tokyo, Japan, you went to. / Tokyo, then New Z__. / Oh, I see. / Tokyo Japan, then New Z__ New Z__. / Go on, how long did you spend in New Z__ New Z__? You seem to know a lot about it. / Uh ... a couple of weeks. / Two weeks in New Z__? / Yeah. / And then where did you go? / The Cook Islands. / All right. Let's ... it's a lot to take in for listeners. I'm gonna ... on behalf of listeners, I'm gonna ask you about your holiday. / Yeah. / 1: Did you enjoy it? / Yes. / 2: What was your favorite place? / Um ... I think Tokyo, actually. / Tokyo Japan? / Yup. / Tokyo New Z__ was a let down. / And, 3: How many different types of KitKat are there in Japan? I'm gonna put a clock on this. / That is a brilliant question. We bought ... / Thank you very much, eh I ... listen, I haven't got my own chat show on TV yet, but you wait. This is the kind of questions you're gonna get. 1: Did you enjoy it? Yes. 2: Where did you go? 3: How many kinds of KitKat are there in Japan? / We bought special KitKat that / only make in Japan / This is why I asked you, because I happen to know quite a lot about Japanese KitKats. Take it away, Lloyd. / They do wasabi-flavored KitKat. / OK / three / yeah / They do rum and raisin. / Yeah. Correct. / And they do ... / 'Cause, you know, I ... do you how many there are? / Three? You said you were looking for three / I'm looking for three / yeah / for the purposes of radio, but do you know how many ... do you know how many varieties of ... by the way, everybody, we all know, by now, don't we? All those familiar with the British newsagent know that other chocolate bars are available. ... OK, so, we look ... do you know how many there are in Japan? That's question 4. Now we've come back to the question / weird question, such a weird question when you ... when ... / a lot of people think / all the topics to ask / you ask me about the KitKats. / A lot of people say this when they come back from holiday and I start questioning, a lot of people say, "Your questions are quite strange, Rhod, when we come back from holiday." / Oh, I remember, I remember the third ... / all right, all right, let's do the ... all right. / forget about it then / So, what was the wheather like? / I remember the third flavor / Oh, OK. / Strawberry-cheese cake. / Strawberry-cheese cake, rum and raisin, and wasabi-flavored KitKat / are available in Japan / just in Japan. / Who's ... who's he? / Justin Japan ... / So, three you've got there. Do you know how many ... do you know how many there are? / Well, I __ __ / only __ in a shop / the shop we went to. / Well, that's a shame, Lloyd. Because, do you know how many there are in total? / No. ... I mean, I was ... I was too busy eating sushi and, sort of, looking around the place, go to temples and stuff. / Yeah / back there, because you've wasted your time. You've had a wasted trip, because, I __ about to tell you, / how many kinds / there are / be more than twenty / Huh huh, not more than 20 KitKats in Japan? / oughtn't this country be normal? / a song / Japan tonight ... sing that through / get to a line about, uh, about how many different flavors of ... / in Japan, all right ... by your ... reason that you ... next line is ... / Rhod's having a mental breakdown. / 80. There are 80 KitKats in Japan. Sing that Katy M__'s song: There are 80 different KitKats in Japan ...

This is a big show today, Lloyd. / This is, yeah, started off big / I've started off big, mate. / ridiculous claim about, uh ... / about ... other chocolate bars are available. Let's not mention the brand again, / No. / but, the, uh, the four-fingered chocolate wafer snack. I said / there were 80 flavors, and blew your mind. / It did, indeed. / out some sort of breakdown. / Yeah / 80 flavors / Then you started singing K__ M__. / There are 80 different KitKats in Japan ... and then, / saw in a newspaper article about the number of KitKat __ in Japan __ other chocolates are available. Other holiday destinations are available, we should say. / Yeah. / Yeah. And, how many were there, Lloyd, just to confirm what I said? / 80. / Yeah. / Yeah. / Do you wanna know some of them? / I have a feeling I have no choice in this matter. / Uh ... golden peach. / Oh, that sounds nice. / Mmm, doesn't it? How about this one: pounded soy-bean paste. / Oh, I __ soy ... no, that's not good. / Isn't it? / No. / What about You bary melon? / I ... what? / Yubari melon. / Uh, I don't know. No. / flavor / Red potato. / No, that's wrong. / Yuzu-citrus. Camembert flavor. / Camembert? / Yeah, you heard me. Grilled corn. Miso. Baked potato with butter. ... that seems / odd / list / red potato / closer. / Ah, that's true, yeah. Uh, anyway, so here we go. Just, uh, I just wanted to pick up on that, uh, story and, say that, uh, you laughed at me, and I was right.

I can see you highlighted something in the newspaper there, Lloyd, you've drawn a big circle around something in the newspaper today, and he has written the words "non-story?" above it. So, what / let's go on / non-story of the week / Lloyd / Why not? / I've got some entries here / some of them / a lot of peaple / from around the world. Non story / newspaper / apology for that barking in the background, uh, ladies and gentlemen. That is, uh, my puppy. That's not a euphemism. / Do you want my non-story? / Yes, please, Lloyd. / Uh, this is in all the papers today. Uh, "Madonna ... / I doubt it. / Well, not in Financial Times. / I doubt / any of the / or in the FT, as you say. I doubt / Madonna ... I guess the picture is / the story / looks like ... it looks ... let me have a guess / from the picture / you've circled there, it looks like, the story is, Madonna has a hairy armpit. / Yeah, that is the ... the ... / That's the story, is it? Full-page picture in a tabloid, "Madonna has a hairy armpit / good headline, "Like a firgin", it says. Uh, could it be non-story of the week? Madonna has a hairy armpit. What about this one? It has been sent in by Nataly Watkinson. Uh ... some of these have been sent over the / Lloyd. The headline is "Petrol Smell". / B__ fire crew were sent to S__ __ road in S__ to investigate a smell of petrol. On arriving at the scene, just before 8:30 a.m. on Saturday, they were unable to smell anything. / They were unable to smell anything? / Yeah. / All right. / They were unable to smell anything. / What? So, not only did they not be able to smell petrol, they lost all sense of smell? / Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. / that / could have / crew with / nasal inadequacies. ... Couldn't you? / I think one member of, um, fire team has to have some sort of nosal ... / That should be a stipulation. / Yeah / one / smell stuff. / Yeah. / Uh, what about this: "Missing Jacket Found [at home]" ? Now, I think, if I was a journalist, missing ... I would just have had the headline / "Missing Jacket Found" / [at home] ... that's the story really, isn't it? If you see a headline saying / read / found / home / find / in the end of the story / headline / what's the point / reading on? / very embarrassing for the ... for the person who lost the jacket. / very embarrassing. Let's read on, shall we? / missing ... a man reported his jacket missing / Oh, no. / 6:20 pm, February the 7th, while using the reference section at the Westmount Public Library" public security officials said. He called back in an hour later to say he found it at home. That's in the newspaper. That's ... that's a good one. / what / favorite so far, Lloyd? / The missing jacket one. / the missing jacket so far / petrol smell is my favorite / "Hi, Rhod, surely the second item in this newspaper is non-story of the millennium. Don't you think?" says J__ from Prague. From Prague, Lloyd. Do you ... "Does anybody actually listen __ in the UK?", she says. / No. / No, of course not, J__. All live in Singapor or Norway or Prague. They do. Uh, so, the second story here is ... Ah, "Police were called for small piece of cardboard in the road / by the time of their arrival, / blown off down the road." What do you think? / Yeah, well, I mean, yeah, that's a pretty ... that's pretty good / good one / why would you call the police because of a piece of cardboard? / I level with you. I probably wouldn't have. I would probably have picked it up. I would have done one of the two things. / Yeah? / A: picked it up / recycling center. / You wouldn't have done that. / or B: not even noticed it. / Yeah. / Uh ... "Woman finds a hat in tree. / I think I might have read this one before / about / happens a lot / might be a typo. usually a "cat", init? / Yeah, it's not. ... Well, let's try with 'cat' ... let's try / change / shall we? / a cat has been found / tree in __ The woman head garment / I think / It's a breed, isn't it? / and has b__ on it. ... Surely / are you feeling towards / hat now? Or do you think / cat with a __ on the top / on balance / it probably is ... / discovered on Tuesday / resident, Sharon B__. / That's a made up name, / I don't know / a made up story. / I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw it up there", she said. "I got it down with a stick and put it on a fence." / I hope that they have a follow-up story / hat / must be made up, must'nt it? I've got one more for you. One more __ squeeze another track in / squeeze / a bit of / second / just before the news / travel / BBC Radio Wales / one more for you. Which / what / so far / decide our winner. / Uh, the cardboard in the road. / you changed in / road / I think you were on / actually. quite right. You haven't changed / you stuck with it. You stucked to your guns. I admire that. What about this? "Newport Man grows huge tomato". / actually. / It does depend on where he grew it. / on his forehead. / sad / always got is / board outside the newsagent / we haven't got the rest / let us know, let us know, somebody let us know, where did he grow the huge tomato? It does depend, our winner does depend on that.

Look at this, Lloyd. "A great grand / lost / electric wheel chair and demolished a six-foot high display / in a supermarket. ... It's hard not to laugh. / she saw the funny side as well. Look, grandson Dean Martin said "I kept expecting a film crew to pop out / being framed / gottcha / I was embarrassed / my grandmother was quite unfazed.", she says. Uh, good old, uh, good / people / this week / No. / fair play to them. Fair play to them. Old people, get this, Lloyd. I read this this week. You know, when you yawn, and it's contageous / catch / somebody yawns / another person yawns, and, before you know, the whole train carrige / everyone is yawning, aren't they? / Yeah. / contageous / A Mexican yawn. / A Mexican yawn, older people are less likely to do that. ... I told you would need to be sitting down. / What? Older people are ... / Yeah. / digest / you take on board / people / brain / tired / really / much to do, so they don't get / think / more likely to join / bored? "Hang on a minute, there's a Mexican yawn going around / give me a little lift. That's something to do / three quaters of a second. / Is it a social thing, or ... / I think it's because older people / I don't know why it is / older people, old people, are less likely to catch __ yawn / less likely to join in / Mexican yawn. And I thought / probably because they just go ... when you are younger, and / you go / looks like / I'll join in that / be liked, I wanna be part of the group. ... I think / do you know what? / bother joining that yawn / What's the point? What's ... I've been doing that all my life. Waste of time / sit it out. That's why / sometimes / on a train / Mexican yawn go around / you do notice / didn't do it / grandad. Put your finger out. You didn't do your yawn there. / less suceptible to p__ pressure. / Never sit to a __ / together / to just come up completely.

Here's an interesting story. Did you read about this? / What? / Well, I'll tell you now. "The eight hundred year old ... eight hundred year old remains of a monk" ... I've got a little thing about monks. / monk listens to this show. / up a mountain in China. It's true. He get the podcast. / Really? / Yeah. He listens to / during ... when he's, uh ... / he / vow of silence, right / he's on a vow of silence, right, so / pretty much / all our podcasts. He's got to fill his time somehow, doesn't he? / Yeah. / sorry, our dog is just running the, uh, / She's on air. She's at the microphone. Down, dog. Uh ... OK, the dog was literally just on the microphone / anyway / watch how professinal I am. I'm gonna carry on even if / dog on my lap. / Radio Wales / live from my kitchen. Um, OK. "The eight hundred year old remains ..." Sorry, my wife is picking the dog up, and, uh, / dog biting her face ... gently, nicely. OK. ... I'm obsessed with this monk. / Right. / He listens to the show / not the eight hundred year old / not the eight hundred year old one / I've got a little obsession with monks. Whenever I see the word 'monk' in a newspaper, I tend to circle the story. / I like a monk, actually / see / I went / visit / are you saying that / yawning thing / Mexican monk thing. Is it ... uh, why do you like / monks now? / monks more / My mom's / turned into a monk. / People don't just turn into monks, Lloyd. / No / don't just turn into ... / walking down the street one day, and all of a sudden / top of your hair flies off, and ... you don't just suddenly turn into a monk. / He chose to become a monk. / Right. Now you're __ing to it. / voluntary decision on his own behalf to go from a non-monk situation / Banana Man / it's not like / phoneb__, did he? / spin round / top of his hair missing / She ... she's friendly with him / Monk Man / hang on a minute. You mom / turned into a monk / was / OK. / I went to C__ Island to visit him. / Really ... to visit him specifically? / Well, to have a look / Island / see the monks / what do they call it? / quarters / he was / What was he doing? / What do you think he was doing? Praying. / Was he? / up to? Oh, sorry." / talk, did you? / I chatted to him, yeah. / Chat? Chatted to him? what you ... / he's not one of them silent monks. / eight hundred year old remains of a monk has been discovered. Do you know how / discovered / remains of a monk? I'll give you three guesses / dug them up / How did they come across him? / he fell / the wall / He what? / he was, like, / fell out of a wall / he was in tomb / like, in, you know, / well, yeah. yeah, OK. All right. All right. I'll give you that. I'll give you that. He was in tomb/t__ in a wall ... eight hundred year old remains of a monk has been discovered after his legs were spotted / sticking out of a cliff. ... Mandy W__, 54, was walking on the beach when she saw / some legs sticking of the cliff. She took a picture / this is interesting / took a picture and sent them to archeologist Karl James Langford. / OK. / Lloyd? Langford, is that / relation / are you related to archealogists? / Not that I know of, but ... / Karl J ... / Mr. / eroded cliff / monk n__ / that's a bit of a ... a / bit of a clue / near B__, South Wales, exposing / C__Nash / burial ground / cemetery / amazing find for Mandy. Those legs / eight hundred years. / so, people have been walking along the beach near B__, all the time a pair of legs / nothing / nobody ever thought to ring the coastguard. Nothing. / nobody / ring / legs / point is that the legs were only recently erode / only recently ... you know / how did he die / propelled into the cliff / No, he was buried. / He must have run the cliff / bury himself up to the waist. You don't / rocks / down / it's hard. / I've seen / rock / trying to get in. It's not easy.

You've got some / text / emails / anything interesting? / thanks to the thrilling yawn conversation, I'm now stuck / paradox / big one to come out. / you / come out on a big one / bit of / yawn thing going on, come out on a big one. She / stuck with these small, unfulfilling ones / Hi, Corky. / Hello. / It's Lloyd Langford. "First of all, thanks for the great show" / clearly paying attention / hangover cure on a Sunday afternoon / on catchup. I'm never ... I'm never up that early on a Saturday morning. But / my alarm for this week's show just in case / live on air / week. I love the chimp quize" ... Chimp quiz is gone, by the way, Lloyd / Oh, yeah, I remember / before you ask / I remember the chimp quiz / you remember the chimp quiz / leader board / a couple of new features for you / if you could go back in time and change anything from your schooldays, what would you do, Lloyd? / Oh. / Good feature, innit? / Yeah. / if you can go back in time and change anything from your schooldays, what would you do, Lloyd? / There was one school rugby match where I became confused and disoriented because __ __ cold. / And I just threw ... / How cold was it in Port Albert? / it was pretty cold / was / so cold in Port Albert that you became confused? / Yeah. / Is that possible? / shivering and, just ... / Is that possible, Lloyd? I mean, / arctic and antarctic / whatever / ices / shorts and __s / rugby clothes / You got confused? What happened? / I just threw the ball to the opposition. ... I probably should have held onto it. / and you blame the cold? / Yeah. I mean it wasn't a normal ... it was the first and last / ever done it / surprise. / I bet it did. / this is feature 2 / change / What? / one story comes into my head. I've told it on the air several times. But I do love it. It's when ... / this / friend of mine / got smacked so hard on the bottom / across the floor / slid / under the piano. ... It's not funny, kids. / don't try / hey / different days / 70's. Anything went. Uh ... Feature 2. This is suggested by, uh, Ritchie from K__ / age 46 / comes a point / where / email. I think, after the age of nine and a half / you know, like, age 12, maybe 13 ... I think 13 / is probably the last time / email / after that, / says / age 46 / "What's your strangest dream?", says Ritchie, "And why do you think you had this dream? I had a dream last night / formed super group / on guitar and me on base." / The thing about a super group, Ritchie, I think, I think that's "forming a group", arguably, isn't it? I think that the thing about "super-group" / has to be, all the members have to be superative ... superative, recognized craftsmen in their field. They have to be ... sorry, Rosy, I ... my dog agrees. Do you hear that? Even / It has to be, a super group has to be somebody on / best base player in the world ... uh, that's the thing / super group. you form them from other groups who have reached a superative level, / top of their field. / if you were in it, / from / it's not a super group. / It' a group / We don't know Ritchie's musical history. / Well, I think he'd say ... I don't think he would call himself Ritchie / in Lead Zeppelin / but / just him and Paul M__? / Let me finish. ... But it's already / Paul M__ is a base player. / Yeah. ... "I had a dream last night ..." yeah, / guitar / could play anything / famously he can play anything / Ritchie from __ / base player / Paul M__ / odd choice. I / if you were forming a group with Paul M__, / give him first dibs on the base. ... "I had a dream last night. I formed a super group with Paul M__ on guitar and me on base, plus others." / I tell you what. That's the / defy the very definition of / super group, that / who's / vocals / a another / Drums? / a another / "At our first practice ... " He means rehearsal. / Yeah. / "we decided to warm up with 'I Saw Her Standing There', and I asked Paul if he knew the lyrics / P.S. Any chance of joining you on your show one Saturday morning? / why / with a winning listener comes on / show with you / super group of DJs / would be / a super group / it / that would be like / super group of radio presentation / me, you, Ritchie from / 46, plus a few others / That is what you call a super group.

If you enjoyed that one, why don't you listen to the whole show? Rhod Gilbert, live on Saturday morning, BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.